remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
