Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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