So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
