oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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