dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
