seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
