So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
