I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
