I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
