Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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