So drunk its hurt
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
