she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
