I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
