I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
