It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
