So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
