I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
When are your genitals available?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
