I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
