if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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