remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
accomplished twins. life is a go
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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