So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
