I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
