Your face is a jimmy john
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
