My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
