theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
