her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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