benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
