Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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