I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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