he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
