I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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