So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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