I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
