Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
