people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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