his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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