Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
