i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize