Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
