Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
only if we run a train.
done.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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