I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
