A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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