Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
