Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
