3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
