I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
