i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
