Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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