I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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