I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize