im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
