im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
