Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
