Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
