I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
