Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
