Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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