we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point đź’ś
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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