A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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